Yesterday was [redacted]'s birthday. I thought of him a lot, but I did not write to him again because my letter will not get to him before he goes on his NOLS program, and I don't have his NOLS address.
I didn't smoke all day until I got to work, then I smoked a butt from the ashtray. Pitiful. It gave me quite a rush. Then I wrote a letter to [redacted]. A short letter which lets her know where I am and what I'm doing but no more. I do not think it will elicit a response. Oh well. I taught my classes and came home. We received our passports from Mr. Im, and then watched a Jackie Chan movie and went to bed.
Although I wanted more cigarettes, I did not have any.
I got up today at noon. Did some shopping at Heemang, and came home for shower and breakfast. At two o'clock Duke and I went to meet Baik Jisuk at the coffee shop. We, all three, tried to talk, but without much luck ~ she seemed unwilling to talk about customs etc., and got uncomfortable when we tried to persuade her to talk.
When Duke left for work she offered to drive him, but he said she should stay and talk with me. I told her to do what she wanted to do. After much deliberation she decided to stay with me. So we talked over another cup of coffee. She seemed more comfortable with just one man. However, my bladder was fit to burst, so I told her I needed to split. She did say let's do it again. I hope she meant it. I guess we'll see.
On the way home I bought a pack of cigarettes (coffee shop was too much strain I guess). I have smoked one.
It isn't (I still maintain) the nic fit that's the problem, it's the habit. I am pretty disappointed ~ that I want cigarettes so much. But that seems to be the way it is. My new resolution (read, my compromise) is to smoke, but to smoke less. Yeah right. Nevertheless, that's the goal.
When I told Link that I'd try to quit, he wanted to know why. I told him that smoking used to be a meditation; I used to just smoke and do nothing else during. So that is the goal now: to only smoke. I want to not smoke in my house, and to not do anything else while I smoke. We'll try that for a few days before giving up. (oh good attitude there Oomph).
Anyway, with this self-loathing I will go on with my day.